Feb 01 2009

Posted by Irina under Uncategorized

Irina Spalko is a Badass!

We have no idea who Victorious Lizard is, but he recently ranked our own Irina Spalko #18 on his list of the Top 35 Badasses. That’s pretty much the halfway point, and she managed to outrank the likes of Dracula, Maximus and Chewbacca, so it’s a remarkable achievement. Have a gander for yourself.

#18 - Colonel Doctor Irina Spalko!

Personally I would have put her into the top 10 based on her psychic abilities alone, but hey - it ain’t my list. What do you guys think of her position on the list, and what other “top” lists does Irina belong on?

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Oct 02 2008

Posted by Irina under Agent Spalko Schwag

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull DVD Released on October 14th!

In a little under 2 weeks we’ll all be able to enjoy all the glory of Irina Spalko in the comfort of our own bunkers. On October 14th the 2-disc special edition of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull will be released on both DVD and Blu-Ray. A new-and-improved collection of all 4 movies in one, the Indiana Jones - The Complete Adventures Collection will also be available the same day.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull DVD Cover

The 2-disc DVD edition contains a wealth of special features which we’ll outline for you here:

Indy 4 Disc 1:

  • The movie - duh!
  • The Return of a Legend—The evolution of the new film and a tribute to the legendary hero and his creators.
  • Pre-Production—Follows Steven Spielberg as he creates animatic sequences, Shia LaBeouf as he learns to swordfight and captures the reunion of filmmakers and cast on the soundstage.

Indy 4 Disc 2:

  • Production Diary: Making Kingdom of the Crystal Skull—Join filmmakers, cast and crew for a complete look at the making of the film. The diary includes: Shooting Begins: New Mexico; Back To School: New Haven, Connecticut; Welcome to the Jungle: Hilo; Hawaii; On-Set Action; Exploring Akator; Wrapping Up!
  • Warrior Makeup
  • The Crystal Skulls
  • Iconic Props
  • The Effects of Indy
  • Adventures in Post Production
  • Closing: Team Indy
  • Pre-Visualization Sequences: Area 51 Escape; Jungle Chase; Ants Attack
  • Galleries - The Art Department: The Adventure Begins; Cemetery and Jungle; Akator
  • Stan Winston Studio: Corpses, Skeletons & Mummies; Aliens & Crystal Skulls
  • Production Photographs
  • Portraits
  • Behind-the-Scenes Photographs

Absent is the color, 8×10 glossy of Colonel Spalko that I was hoping for, but I can’t deny - that is an impressive pile of special features. Well done to Paramount. Buy Crystal Skull on DVD or Blu-Ray, pop some corn and get ready to watch one of the most unlikely sequels in movie history from your own living room.

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Jul 25 2008

Posted by Irina under Uncategorized

Cat Blanchett? Irina is Appalled

Ve are not exactly from whence this most vile photo of a cat purported to look like comrade Cate has come - but ve vill find you.


Oh yes, ve vill find you, funny persons with the cheezburgers. Sleep vith vone eye open! I have scanned your brain and I know where you live.


Jun 09 2008

Posted by Irina under Forum

Spalko Forums are Now Live!

Hello everyvone. Ve heard your requests and are proud to introduce the all new Agent Spalko Forums! Ve look forward to velcoming new friends and meeting only the most distinguished comrades of Agent/Colonel/Doctor Irina Spalko! I expect many stimulating conversations vithin our new forum community. Please be respectful of your peers as my rapier is alvays at the ready.

To begin you vill find a category where you can introduce yourself, one surrounding the mysterious origins of Irina, a general Cate Blanchett section and a category where you can post your own suggestions. Ve vill develop more categories based on input from our beloved citizens. Please register for the Spalko forums right now and let our almighty reign begin!


Jun 06 2008

Posted by Irina under Agent Spalko Video

The Colonel/Agent/Doctor’s Biggest Fan?

Joel Swanson really, really, really loves him some Irina Spalko. I think we’ve all just been ferociously out-fanned. Part of me wants to applaud him, part of me wants to have him committed. Either way, Irina is impressed and vill buy you a wodka.

Through the course of his homage to our favorite Russian baddie Joel nearly drowns himself in a fishbowl, pool and bathtub, comes close to a beheading and jumps off the roof of his house - all the while his heart beating louder than his well-worn kick drum. Definitely a must-see for the unexpected community that has popped up around AgentSpalko.com. Can anybody outfan Joel’s video love testament? On a related note, stay tuned for a fan-art section in the gallery very soon and feel free to send us your own masterpieces.


May 28 2008

Posted by Irina under Reviews

Indy and Irina, Sittin’ in a Tree

The great movie blog Cinematical has a post today entitled Seven Things That Thankfully Didn’t Happen in Crystal Skull. Knowing Indy’s history with women, I’m sure the thought of “exploring” Spalko must have at least crossed his mind. Judging from some of the comments on this blog, I know it’s crossed a lot of people’s! Have a look at #4:


4. Indy Didn’t Sleep With Irina Spalko

I never really thought of this as a possibility once Marion Ravenwood’s return was announced. But when Cate Blanchett was initially cast as a sexy Russian agent, I immediately pictured a Russian version of Elsa Schneider. And I naturally assumed Indy would get involved with her, perhaps not knowing she was a Communist spy. That’s what he had done before, right? For the moment, let us pretend that Marion didn’t return and that Spalko was the lone female. I think we can all agree that a romantic hook-up with the sword-wielding psychic would have been a disaster. Even better — Mutt Williams didn’t go to bed with her, either. Thankfully, Lucas and Spielberg avoided at least one father-son homage from Last Crusade. I don’t think I could have retained my sanity if Indy had said “I’m as human as the next man” to Mutt.

I think the cons of dating a Russian psychic would be numerous. She’d know exactly who left the toilet seat up. She’d know why you came home late. You couldn’t lie to her about how much you enjoyed her borscht. She’d even know what you’d gotten her for her birthday. Where’s the fun in that? Throw in a rapier and a pair of thighs strong enough to crush large ants and I’m thinking no amount of marriage counseling could save the situation. What do the rest of you think? Would Indy and Irina have made a good couple?


May 25 2008

Posted by Irina under Reviews

“I Vant to Know!”

We were lucky enough to see Kingdom of the Crystal Skull at the first matinee on Thursday, and are happy to report that Cate Blanchett was absolutely phenomenal as Agent Irina Spalko. Her accent was impeccable, the portrayal a delicious mix of sinister and sexy and overall a wonderful addition to the lore of the Indy franchise.


What did you think of the film and Blanchett’s portrayal? Please leave your thoughts in the comments if you so desire. Without ruining the film’s ending for anyone, we’re especially interested in a discussion as to what exactly happens to Spalko during the film’s climax - it’s definitely open to some personal interpretation.


May 22 2008

Posted by Irina under Uncategorized

Sexy Plastic: The Irina Spalko Action Figure

As the Soviet Union’s foremost expert on psychic powers, Spalko’s understanding of the untapped potential of the human mind is matched only by her skill with a sword. Beautiful, cunning and ruthless, Spalko leads a secret force of Russian commandos on a mission to find the Crystal Skull and harness its power in order to achieve Soviet domination.


Detailed Irina Spalko figure is armed with weapons at the ready! Her stoic expression lets you know she means business. Team up with Indy and his crew and try to reach the Crystal Skull – but prepare to face off against this forceful figure in the process! Crack open the top-secret crate to discover a hidden relic and create an adventure of your own!

Get your own Agent Spalko figure by clicking the eBay link in the sidebar or fighting your way through hoards of pre-pubescent boys at the local Walmart.


May 13 2008

Posted by Irina under Uncategorized

The Mona Irina

Artistic tributes from unworthy civilian fans are already pouring in for our delectable disciplinarian, Irina Spalko. We’re not sure where this watercolor originated, but it’s based on promotional shots that were only released in early 2008 - so it certainly isn’t studio concept art. We can also say for certain that it is excellent!


Note the unmistakable Rooski Red, the brushstrokes dancing in peasant blood and that “come hither, Mutt, so I can skewer you on this rapier” stare. Only 10 days until the sexy psychic is unleashed on Akator - and we are chomping at the shashlik, comrades.


May 10 2008

Posted by Irina under Agent Spalko Bios

Spalko: The Russian Concussion

Early reviews of Blanchett’s performance as Agent Spalko lead us to believe we’re in for something memorable and destined for cult status. The following is from a review written by someone lucky enough to catch an advance screening this week:

Cate Blanchett’s Soviet Agent Spalko was not at all what I was expecting, especially her being a disciple of the fabled “thought police,” but once again… Russian obsession with ESP and psychic warfare are well documented. Ms. Blanchett engages in a psychological battle with our hero and her performance is so peculiar that on occasion I thought she was being directed by David Lynch. She distinguishes the film from all the others with her singular presence.


I suppose the word peculiar usually has negative connotations, but the dictionary definition reads “different from the usual or normal”, and thet spells “awesome” as far as we’re concerned. Only 12 days to go, everyone!


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