Archive for May, 2008

May 28 2008

Posted by Irina under Reviews

Indy and Irina, Sittin’ in a Tree

The great movie blog Cinematical has a post today entitled Seven Things That Thankfully Didn’t Happen in Crystal Skull. Knowing Indy’s history with women, I’m sure the thought of “exploring” Spalko must have at least crossed his mind. Judging from some of the comments on this blog, I know it’s crossed a lot of people’s! Have a look at #4:


4. Indy Didn’t Sleep With Irina Spalko

I never really thought of this as a possibility once Marion Ravenwood’s return was announced. But when Cate Blanchett was initially cast as a sexy Russian agent, I immediately pictured a Russian version of Elsa Schneider. And I naturally assumed Indy would get involved with her, perhaps not knowing she was a Communist spy. That’s what he had done before, right? For the moment, let us pretend that Marion didn’t return and that Spalko was the lone female. I think we can all agree that a romantic hook-up with the sword-wielding psychic would have been a disaster. Even better — Mutt Williams didn’t go to bed with her, either. Thankfully, Lucas and Spielberg avoided at least one father-son homage from Last Crusade. I don’t think I could have retained my sanity if Indy had said “I’m as human as the next man” to Mutt.

I think the cons of dating a Russian psychic would be numerous. She’d know exactly who left the toilet seat up. She’d know why you came home late. You couldn’t lie to her about how much you enjoyed her borscht. She’d even know what you’d gotten her for her birthday. Where’s the fun in that? Throw in a rapier and a pair of thighs strong enough to crush large ants and I’m thinking no amount of marriage counseling could save the situation. What do the rest of you think? Would Indy and Irina have made a good couple?


May 25 2008

Posted by Irina under Reviews

“I Vant to Know!”

We were lucky enough to see Kingdom of the Crystal Skull at the first matinee on Thursday, and are happy to report that Cate Blanchett was absolutely phenomenal as Agent Irina Spalko. Her accent was impeccable, the portrayal a delicious mix of sinister and sexy and overall a wonderful addition to the lore of the Indy franchise.


What did you think of the film and Blanchett’s portrayal? Please leave your thoughts in the comments if you so desire. Without ruining the film’s ending for anyone, we’re especially interested in a discussion as to what exactly happens to Spalko during the film’s climax - it’s definitely open to some personal interpretation.


May 22 2008

Posted by Irina under Uncategorized

Sexy Plastic: The Irina Spalko Action Figure

As the Soviet Union’s foremost expert on psychic powers, Spalko’s understanding of the untapped potential of the human mind is matched only by her skill with a sword. Beautiful, cunning and ruthless, Spalko leads a secret force of Russian commandos on a mission to find the Crystal Skull and harness its power in order to achieve Soviet domination.


Detailed Irina Spalko figure is armed with weapons at the ready! Her stoic expression lets you know she means business. Team up with Indy and his crew and try to reach the Crystal Skull – but prepare to face off against this forceful figure in the process! Crack open the top-secret crate to discover a hidden relic and create an adventure of your own!

Get your own Agent Spalko figure by clicking the eBay link in the sidebar or fighting your way through hoards of pre-pubescent boys at the local Walmart.


May 13 2008

Posted by Irina under Uncategorized

The Mona Irina

Artistic tributes from unworthy civilian fans are already pouring in for our delectable disciplinarian, Irina Spalko. We’re not sure where this watercolor originated, but it’s based on promotional shots that were only released in early 2008 - so it certainly isn’t studio concept art. We can also say for certain that it is excellent!


Note the unmistakable Rooski Red, the brushstrokes dancing in peasant blood and that “come hither, Mutt, so I can skewer you on this rapier” stare. Only 10 days until the sexy psychic is unleashed on Akator - and we are chomping at the shashlik, comrades.


May 10 2008

Posted by Irina under Agent Spalko Bios

Spalko: The Russian Concussion

Early reviews of Blanchett’s performance as Agent Spalko lead us to believe we’re in for something memorable and destined for cult status. The following is from a review written by someone lucky enough to catch an advance screening this week:

Cate Blanchett’s Soviet Agent Spalko was not at all what I was expecting, especially her being a disciple of the fabled “thought police,” but once again… Russian obsession with ESP and psychic warfare are well documented. Ms. Blanchett engages in a psychological battle with our hero and her performance is so peculiar that on occasion I thought she was being directed by David Lynch. She distinguishes the film from all the others with her singular presence.


I suppose the word peculiar usually has negative connotations, but the dictionary definition reads “different from the usual or normal”, and thet spells “awesome” as far as we’re concerned. Only 12 days to go, everyone!


May 08 2008

Posted by Irina under Agent Spalko Bios

With Friends Like Irina Spalko…

… who needs enemies? Regardless, you might want to pop on over to her very official looking MySpace profile and make nice with our favorite summer 2008 baddie. A friendly gesture at this early stage might spare you the tip of her rapier.

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I was born in 1929 and raised in a superstitious Ukranian village, where my psychic abilities led me being branded a ‘witch’. I was handpicked by Stalin to oversee research into psychic warfare. A former member of the KGB’s Science and Technology Directorate, I have been decorated with the Order of Lenin. My powers of intuition have taken me a long way from the experiments i performed on animals as a teenager. As voracious a seeker of truth as any Indy has ever met, I show there is no limit to how far I am prepared to go to achieve my goals. My expertise with the saber, rapier, and foil drives the point home. My honest and incorruptible character, combined with my complete devotion to the cause, gained me swift recognition and the nickname “Iron Irina”. One of the several external operations that i did for the Motherland was the “Operation Crystal Skull”, where I had to travel to the jungles of Peru to find the crystal skull and to unlock its unspeakable powers for the glory of the great Soviet Union.

That is some great character development on behalf of our girl, and I have to assume the profile is an official marketing effort on behalf of the studio. It’s well done and worth a visit - if only for her Russian Red Army theme song!